Blackberry Surprise

I'm back from the land of cowboys, dust bowls and Sooner football and I'm chock-full of stories to tell. Only problem is finding the time to type it all out!

Instead of diving right in to the reunion hurrahs, I think I'll focus on a particularly juicy story that came about during my trip. (Fully relaying the events of last weekend is going to take several posts; so many that you, dear reader, will be ready to vomit with disgust before I am done with my storytelling shenanigans.) (Yeah. Sorry about that.)

Saturday night I sat nestled on the relaxing front patio of my dear friends parents' home in Nichols Hills, munching happily on a turkey burger, when my cell phone rang. I rudely answered it and forced my childhood girlfriends, Stef and Liz, to sit by while I absorbed the following story from my Chubbie's husband, JG. I fully admit I suck for taking that call, but I am so glad I did. Because this? Is some funny shit!

Saturday morning, JG consumed copious amounts of blackberries. Yum yum. Who doesn't like blackberries? Then, JG went out on a boat with some buddies, skimming across a local lake, enjoying the water and the sunshine. Until his butt perked up.

"DG, you know how your butt has ears?"

"Um, y-e-a-h?"

"You know, the minute it hears it needs to go, there's no stopping it!"

"AH YES! I know exactly what you mean, JG!"

Apparently JG's butt-ears were fully magnified with butt-hearing-aids, because he needed to take a Blackberry Surprise Shit like nobody's business. Only problem was he was smack dab in the middle of the lake.

After some urging, he and his friends zoomed across the water to a dock with a known port-a-potty. They sloshed to a stop, JG leaped from the boat, and . . . no facilities. Nada.

Oh dear.

"I'll be back!" he screamed and he sprinted to his vehicle. JG pealed out and headed to another area that was supposed to contain a heavenly potty, and thankfully, it did. He skidded to a stop, ran into the porta-poopie-place and promptly relieved himself amidst much sighing and thankfulness.

Until he glanced around.

Sadly, there was no toilet paper.

JG had on a brand new T shirt, a pair of swimming trunks, and sandals. That's it.

What to do? Oh, what to do?

Thankfully, JG happens to be a genius. This is clearly evidenced by his choice of wife, my fabulous Chubbie. Sitting there with his buttcheeks dripping, JG the Bold devised a plan. He snatched his keys from his pocket and with a great sigh of sadness began to rip his new T shirt into TP-sized lengths. After everything was squeaky clean, he exited the port-a-potty looking vaguely like a hillbilly on acid.

Two ladies were in line, waiting to use the facilities.

"Did you TELL THEM there was no TP?"

"Nope."

(JG can be an asshole sometimes.)

Anyhoo, he bounced away in his car and pulled up in front of an attractive golf course. JG swung out of the vehicle, shirtless, sockless, and sporting some fine-lookin' swim trunks, right into the golf pro shop. He casually browsed the men's golf shirt racks, pointedly ignoring the whispers and stares from the golf course staff.

'Yep. This one'll do," he nonchalantly informed the cashier. JG ripped the tags off with his teeth, slid into his brand new golf shirt, and headed back for the lake. He spent the rest of his time on the water and enjoyed himself immensely.

When he got home, Chubbie just stared and him and shook her head, since she was certain when he left the house that morning he had on a T shirt and not a lovely collared polo.

And that's the Blackberry Shit Surprise Story from this weekend. The minute I got off the phone, I shared it with everyone at the table. Then I shared it with all of my friends the next day at brunch. And now I am sharing it with the whole fucking world.

Because it's funny.

Now, attached are some photos of Chubbie and me, showing off our Gangsta Badness with handsigns and gestures. Why? Because Chubbie drives a black Cadillac Escalade, which is a fine looking automobile and also happens to be the Ride of Choice for Those That Like To Drive By And Shoot Things.

Cool moe dee. Peace out!