Bizzarro World

This economy is a-suckin', people. Today is a sad, sad day.

I've been with XYZ Co. for 12 years. I've watched layoffs, constant restructuring, manufacturing shifts to Asia, globalization, diversity brainwashing, heroic sales gains, dismal sales losses, and customer cannibalization, to name a few. Somehow, I've been lucky and contributed to the heroic sales gains while dodging the layoffs and restructuring. But today was a killer.

Nope. I didn't get fired (yet). Not sure why, because I truly am an asshole. Unfortunately, my buddy MouthoftheSouth got the axe, along with several other undeserving folks.

My first week on the job, I met MouthoftheSouth. "He's an icon in our business," the customers whispered to me. "No one knows more about our industry than MouthoftheSouth. Stick with him and learn from him." So, I did. And it worked.

MouthoftheSouth gave THIRTY SIX FUCKING YEARS to XYZ Co. He spent countless nights away from his family. When everyone else was satisfied with the status quo, he dug into his ancient brain and came up with a creative sales plan. MouthoftheSouth is a true, honest-to-God salesman.

But. The economy! Oh, the economy . . . and what about the stockholders? Jesus. We gotta fire people. Gotta save on cost. And - look at MouthoftheSouth. Just look at him. He makes waaaaaaay too much money. Why, for the cost of MouthoftheSouth, would could get two - no! - three kids fresh outa college, so green that they'd make the rain forest ashamed of its bland color. I mean, yeah, they don't know shit from Shy-nona and their entitled heads are shoved up their asses but think! Of! The! Savings!

But XYZ Co. didn't stop there. Oh no! The brilliance continued. Rather than meeting quietly with the doomed souls that actually produced for the company but were just too expensive, they decided to call a mass meeting with every employee on the horn first. And then they announced that they were going to chop heads. And, oh by the way, if the guillotine is your destiny today, we'll be calling you.

Just like that.

Obviously, the entire fucking company went ape shit. People wandered around with listless stares. Grave concern crumpled some faces. Every time the phone rang, we collectively shit our pants.

Which is why it makes PERFECT sense that a producer from The Tyra Banks Show called me today.

I mean, really, who doesn't expect a phone call from the Fucktard Version of Oprah in the middle of a major career crisis? Welcome to Bizzarro World. I shall be your guide.

I decided midday that I really needed to clear my head. I bounced downstairs, leashed the beast, and off we went, trailing drool through the 'Hood. Upon our return, I noticed the message machine blinking at me menacingly. I began to curse it, until I realized that my boss would never call my home phone - DUH - so I checked my office line and there were no messages.

Fair enough, still employed. So, I punched the red button and heard a lively dude on the recorder saying, "Hey DG, this is M, a producer with The Tyra Banks Show! We have a show coming up this week that we think you might fit into. Could you give me a call at XXX-XXX-XXXX as soon as possible?"

What. The. Fuck.

So, naturally, I called him back.

M: Oh, hey DG! So glad you called me back. So. Have you ever heard of Jackie Warner?

DG: No.

M: Um . . . she's a gym owner? Works out a lot? Has a show on Bravo?

DG: OH! Yeah! She's the super intense gay girl.

M: Heh heh, yeah...I mean, she's gay, but um...what do you think of her?

DG: I dunno. I don't watch the show. I've only seen snippets. She seems to be very focused and incredibly healthy. Actually? She sorta scares the shit out of me.

M: Well - we're having her on the show. We'll be taping this week so we're sort of in a crunch. We found your profile on the reality website and we thought you might be a great match for our show. You fit the major demographic that tunes into Jackie's program - married women with kids. We can send you a camera and you can record your thoughts about Jackie and then we'll run the tape for her during the interview with Tyra.

(SLAP FOREHEAD. Forgot about stupid reality profile. Tried to get on Power of Ten game show to win $10 Million and tell XYZ Co. to shove it. Then forgot to take profile down after this unsuccessful venture.)

DG: Uh. Well. OK? I guess I could ask her what type of mix she recommends between carido and strength training. GOD! I HATE CARDIO! Maybe she'll tell me it is better to just lift weights. HEY! THIS MIGHT BE COOL!

M: S-u-u-u-u-u-re. I'll have another producer, M2, call you in a bit with instructions.

Thirty minutes later the phone rings. I shit my pants, thinking I am about to join the ranks of the unemployed. Fortunately, it is just M2.

M2: So! DG! What do you think of Jackie?

DG: Uh - I don't really know. I mean, I told M earlier, I haven't really seen her show.

M2: Well - a lot of the viewers of Jackie's show are married women who have kids.

DG: And?

M2: What do you think of Jackie's body? Her looks?

DG: Ahhhhhhhh...clearly she is in shape and very dedicated to a healthy lifestyle. She sort of scares the shit out of me. That's one reason I don't watch her show.

M2: Would you say you have a girl crush on her?

DG: I'm sorry . . . WHAT?

M2: See, many, many women - straight women, mind you - find Jackie attractive. You know. Like, they have a crush on her. I mean, they aren't gay, but they find themselves drawn to her body and her looks. Would you say you feel the same way?

DG: No. No I would not. I would say that she scares the shit out of me.

M2: You don't think you could mention on camera that you find her attractive?

DG: Look. Here's what I think from the few seconds of her show that I've viewed: I think Jackie Warner is a dedicated professional who loves to work out, she lives a very healthy lifestyle, and she has fabulous hair. Will that do?

M2: Oh. No, not really. That's not really the angle we're looking for.

And that was the end of my television career.

Now you tell me that my day hasn't been completely fucked up. I DARE YOU.